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What is abuse?
Abuse is the intentional and systematic use of tactics to establish and maintain power and control over a person's thoughts, beliefs and conduct through the inducement of fear and/or dependency. Control tactics are based on a range of personal, institutional and cultural beliefs, including the assumption of male privilege, which support the perpetrator's feeling entitled to behave in this way. Control tactics can include but are not limited to: physical and sexual violence, threats, isolation, economic deprivation, attacks on a person's personality and mind, coercive use of children and entrapment.
According to the United Nations violence is defined as any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to victims, including threats of such acts, coercion, arbitrary deprivation of liberty whether occurring in public or private life.
If you are not happy with your life, if you feel there is something not quite right and maybe you are not sure what it is, please go through the statements below. They will help you to clarify the situation you are in. They might also help you to decide what to do next.
You:
- Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper,
- Feel you can't live without him/her,
- Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them,
- Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship,
- Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled,
- Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her,.
- Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly,
- Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them,
- Stay because you feel he/she will kill himself/herself if you leave,
- Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love,
- Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry,
- Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself,
- Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual thing he/she makes you do,
- Believe in the "traditional" ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do - that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him,
- Have been abused as a child or seen a parent, sibling or grandparent abused.
If any of the above statements describes your situation, you may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse.